A different sound of music..

All the characters you find down there are purely non-fictional. Any resemblance what so ever is not because you are completely crazy. Anything that appears like typo or a grammatical error or a watermelon is purely intentional, and it might be holding deeper meanings intended for further sinister purposes. If you did not understand it, then it is totally your problem..


Name something that just happened to be universally loved. One of the easiest answers is- music. It is very rare to find someone who does not like to listen to one of its varied kinds. -I feel special that I know a person who does not, but let that identity be secret ;-) . Now About the reasons why! I've thought about that a million times now. All I could say is I am not smart enough to answer that.

The answer might even drift into one of the secrets of the fabric of universe. How is it possible that those mere rhythmic vibrations of air can produce such a profound effect on human beings even influencing how one feels! It even helps one to choose how one should feel, which is really big a deal. It does affect every-thing mostly in a pleasant way. May be we all, have an innate tendency to appreciate order and patterns. May be an order in chaos is what is divine. Ask me why am I pocking on the love of music! It’s just because of something wonderful and completely new to me that I stumbled on recently.

I always found fun in tracing back the reason why I ended up finding this, or doing that etc. Call it the desperation of another bored, dejected Associate Consultant. These little things always proved worth it. That is really important because I find it extremely difficult to identify anything worthwhile among the things I have been doing recently.

Well so to make it easy of every one who reads this I will put it in an order for a change. Well it happened some time back. I happened to go for this German movie called 'The lives of others' with a friend of mine (Hey buddy thanks for trusting me with the choice of the movie!). While watching that I felt like it is one of the best I have ever seen so far. Experiencing something great knowing it is great is a different and wonderful feeling. Watching a great movie knowing it is one of the best u ever gonna see is a very exciting thing if u realize that. It gives a special indescribable emotion, like living a life of a legend.. I wonder how it would be like for those who already knew they are legends! Will they feel contempt for the lesser mortals? Or will they feel sorry that there is nothing more left for them to achieve, simply because it wont make much of a difference? It is funny but this was the closest I could feel to them. Well so much for the 200 bucks spent on the movie!

The movie was beautiful. The conspiracy.. The love.. The betrayal.. The sacrifice.. The unasked but dangerous favor.. The strange gesture of gratitude!.. It was beautiful. It had one of the best climaxes ever. Every moment I could connect to the movie in a strange way. Not saying much about it as it is totally worth watching thyself. The language was a problem though. German sounds cool. The language sounds like a rock song lyric. It is indeed the language of anger. If some one comes and speak to you in German, I bet it will sound quite like swearing which you cannot possibly understand. French is indeed a language of love, but unfortunately I don’t talk French too! But Dutch, it is sexy!

Whilst watching the movie, many a times there was this conflict whether I should go after the scene or the subtitle. It was too difficult to manage especially in the big screen, U know. I remember this sequence in which the main actress (Martina Gedeck) talking to her boyfriend the writer, in a shower. Then she started saying a few key dialogs of the plot. It posed quite a dilemma! A tough choice, because the woman is damn gorgeous and she is naked! What she says is important to understand the plot. If I have to understand it I got to read the damn subtitles. They are just the usual plain white letters and absolutely did not stand a chance compared to the chic! Cant have both because the screen is damn big! I desperately focused and re focused until I felt sorry for my eyes. I could hear my brain telling me “Buddy, stop doin tht!”. I wished for a bigger pair of eyes like the aliens have. I totally understood the meaning of the word Dilemma at that moment! Experiencing is the best way of understanding isn’t it?

Well the point is not that. It is just something I heard, or more exactly read in the subtitles of that movie. About Beethoven.

If I say Beethoven’s music is good!, the most logical response of a sensible human being reading that will be… ’So what!’.. It is that well known. It is like telling Shakespeare used to write good plays! Everyone knows it. But there is a catch in it. How many really know it and how many have simply accepted it as like they believe 1+1=3?. Simple, how many might have actually read one of his plays, the original version? I have not. Even if I try I am pretty sure that I wont reach the third page! So I simply shake my head in approval when some one says King Lear rocked! Or Romeo and Juliet were the best love story ever. I just kept myself satisfied with the abridged versions for kids.

The case is different about Beethoven now. I actually listened to all of his compositions I could get my hands on. I consider it quite an achievement because that is something that even Beethoven could not do. He could not listen to any of his last works. May be in his minds eye he did. But it does not count.

I happen to read about him first back in the school, when I was forced to study a chapter in English about him. I still remembering feeling pity for the dude who was unable to know his own creation sounded in reality. He was deaf when he created his last works. It is one of the most terrible things to ever happen to someone. It will be a wonder if the person did not go into a mental breakdown. And in fact he did. Strangely never did I venture in to listening to his music back then. May be because it is not for a restless soul. It will take a lot of patience to listen and appreciate works like that.

It took some 10+ yrs and a dialog in a German movie to turn my attention into the music! Life it is!.. Well In the movie I read a character say about listening to Beethoven’s music. He said this quoting Lenin. “If I keep listening to that music, I will never be able to lead a revolution. No man of reason ever listened to Symphony 9 will never be able to commit any act of brutality. I am needed to be brutal. As a price I will miss something remarkable down here”. Well he said that in Russian, in the movie the general said it in Germen, and some dude translated it in English for the subtitle and I am writing what I remember of it. It did travel a long way but it still had the thing. It made me to listen to symphony 9! So the very next day I called up a friend of a friend of mine and his brothers classmate and by the end of the day I got a few of his symphony’s And I was determined to listen this time.

It is very difficult to listen to a symphony for the first time completely. It is slow, it has no words, and basically it is boring. And it is like alcohol. Tough to have it, but once had, what follows is heavenly! (Non-boozers go to hell!) I don’t know about Mozart, I don’t know about kuttappan chettan! But I know about the symphony 9. Every one has heard it many times either knowingly or unknowingly. Our filmmakers have used its bits and pieces repeatedly without any worries (No one will come with a copyright violation!). It is there in advertisements, and it is there everywhere. But the entire thing is quite an experience!

The Lettre r Elise is there in your minds already. I am sure you had heard it many times. I was in my happy place when I listened to that. It was just amazing. On the other hand, I got different fingers and the symphony 9 takes the listener through a wide variety of emotions too. You can feel peace and serenity, horror, passion, hope, desperation all of it if listened apt. All of these without even a single word in it. That is the magic of music. It’s like a roller coaster ride of emotions. I had experienced something similar only once before that. But I cannot mention it here because of some legal issues ;)

A fluke or a glimpse of complete genius. That’s the 9th symphony is all about for me. The facts favors the later. Simply cannot believe that he created it when he was completely deaf!. Without even having a faint idea how each note will sound in reality. That is a wonder as far as I am concerned. Well I had a wish to write about it when I listened to it fully for the first time. So that is it!. I feel happy. The rest of you go to hell. Correction, try to listen to it once and go to hell, else you will be missing one of the wonderful things out here. I have said what I felt obliged to.

And out of the chaos, a voice spoke:

"Smile and be happy, for it can always be worse".

And I smiled, and I was happy, and it did get worse.

Getting screwd 3 ways by work made me write a heavy metal song..

Out from the darkness i reached out.
Out from the fear i was screaming out
It was darkness all over, I couldn't see
Why do these feelings don't let me be

Falling while hiding the hell that i feel
Failing to find a hand that will heal
Deeper and deeper as i plunge on into
Lighter and lighter i feel my own fear

Lost in the wilderness while looking for peace
Living a life that i could barely realize
Looking all over for masks and mirrors
Broken and scary are all that i could find

Wake me and take me away from down here
Make me something that i wanted to be
Take away all of my fear .. disbelief
Show me a way to find my relief

The dude wants to be happy!

The Big Lebowsky used to call himself the dude. But sadly he was’t the last. For the ones amongst you who are having no idea who Big Lebowsky is, you can very well find him in http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Big_Lebowski . For me he is just the dude! Now I am glad that I got a rare opportunity to introduce to the world the next one who called himself ‘The Dude’.

"I am glad that you are loving it. I am glad that you are happy. I know that you look for the signs on the way whilst you keep rolling, believing that you can trust them. But I feel sorry for you that you have absolutely no idea where you are headed. I don’t know if I should keep myself quiet like you do, find peace in the comfortable silences and abstain myself from the uncomfortable thoughts…or realizations! I see a paradox here. How the hell do I know if I am not in a cage like you are? An invisible one of blissful ignorance and well-being. infact i am pretty much sure that I am in one right now. Where will it land me now! Will that knowledge make me free from it? I don’t know. Who am I asking to? Whom should I ask to? Kind of funny and sad huh! "

So on that fine day our dude sat on the chair which can rotate and can stretch backwards, intrigued by thoughts like the above mentioned ones. Little did he know that his life is going to change. That day he made a life changing decision without even knowing about it. Yep! he did make a life changing decision not to change his life at all! He knew that there were people before, who knew what he thought now he knew. Most of em either committed suicide by 27 or became addicts or became insanely rich and other people started calling their dwellings CRIBS! He consciously ignored the fact that there may be losers among them. The dude is positive and he likes beer. They did see what was coming, but they managed to stand up and say a big 'FISH YOU' to the so-called fate. Because they knew it was full of bullshit. “One should change whatever once can change and accept whatever one cant and stop mumbling victim of this and that.” The Dude was on fire!

After all the question is whether they are happy or not. Obviously we can’t ask the dead or insane ones. And the ones who got themselves into the 'mile high' club where indeed happy. Well what a question, any living thing with the minimum sense of self-awareness will be happy if they get to sip a 60 year old Macallan served by females which the kingfisher king would go crazy for. Relaxing in thr personal three-rotor custom antique style six seater spitfires at thirty sever thousand feet. Obviously if they cant be happy then, they are the big fat losers of the world. And may be most of em are.. The dude supposed!

And the dead ones, and the 'flew off - cud't land back' ones. “They too are happy;” the dude was ready to bet. The singer dude who put a shotgun to his chest in a moment of creativity or despair, seem to have hated his wife. He may be happy that he is somewhere she can’t chase him. Even his suicide note became famous "I'd rather burn down than fade away". Wola! “He’d have lost a hell lot of popularity if he lived and wrote more! Coz his songs were mostly bullshit. So it was one of the wisest decisions he ever made”. The dude said to himself!

Another guy drank his way to death. But the reason doesn’t seem to be the obvious one- a Love Failure! But in a sense yeah, he might have lost the love for his life. Or may be he succeeded in finding what he was searching for, and may be what he saw in the other side of the Door was ugly, against what he believed in..An end to his hope, something that kept him going. People say he died listening to his own song 'The end’. He ought to be happy.. “Lucky lunatic”… The dude was jealous.



Another guy was so complicated that no one understood him much. But people knew there is something special about him and they loved him for that. Sadly the lad fell victim for his own creativity. His extraordinary imaginative mind went adrift and he began to imagine people and slipped into a world of his own, where everyone was created by him and acted sane -according to him! But back in the real world people missed him. And the real world put a beautiful name for his disease- Schizophrenia. His Friends wished if here were there with em and wrote songs crying out loud 'shine on u crazy diamond’ and they became filthy rich again. It’s a beautiful song though. There is no way to be sure if he was happy when he died. There is a price for everything including creativity you know. Insanity/Alienation and mostly they wont be ‘socially’ that good. “He paid dearly I gus!”. The dude felt sadness like a rain!



Well who are these guys!.. Well I am quite sure that these are some of the guys our dude looked at, with an awe at different points of his life.. And our dude kept on wondering why did they do what all they did. Dude believes in freedom of speaking his mind. Whatever.. That’s not the point here.. The point is ...to be able to being happy. The dudes happiness and pleasure in living life to the fullest at the moment with his favorite thoughts were temporarily devastated by the introduction of the new, so called 'issue log' by the clients. Man those guys got some serious issues. Else why do they do this to shatter our dudes peace of mind... These guys should learn that interrupting a line of thought is a heinous crime!! The dude’s lead is angry. The dude felt strangled!

But our dude was determined this day. He said another ‘FISH YOU’ and went ahead with his thoughts and the other things!. He is sad that some one flicked his nice chair, which can rotate and can stretch backwards and placed a broken one in its place, which doesn’t stretch backwards! He decided to forgive the one who did that. It was funny and, u know wat else is funny? It is that you don’t have to be rich to be happy... a broke dude who finds a 500 Rs bill in his used trouser pocket is the happiest man in the world for a while. So is the one who can laugh at her concern when the chic at the park asks him to ‘get a life’, and dare to publicize entire incident through his blog! [Hats off to u dude!]... Happy were the dudes who argued for hours on whether wax can be burned and used instead of petrol for no apparent reasons!... Happy are the ones who can eat laugh and forget that they are totally screwed. Happy are the ones who felt that they reached the top of humanly possible when they proved that the chicken indeed come before the egg..

They proved that happiness is not too tough to attain. A triple distilled Russian rice extract with some ice will definitely help. Well it helped them all… as it always did..


The dude loves his friends. The dude is happy. The dude believes in god..

The dude is hungry now. The dude needs to go. The dude is missing!





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Random Thots

1: dude u r drunk.. its 4 A M..u are up in ur bed after a blackout..and u r wondering abt the wonders of the universe again!.. ooh yeah.. now i get it..This is wat they call as the moment of clarity. wow...cool, i like this feeling!

2:I think i am awake...I seem to like randomness now.Earlier I tried to control it..It was good..It was less funny..Somebody said that its all freaking random and uncertain in a subatomic level...so I thot.. wat the hell. Even god intend it to be so. who am i to change it.. So i put my winamp in shuffle with a repeat. jim morrison is singing again for me.. his ghost song.. i like his voice.. i like his words.. but.. fans forgive me.. he was just another lost soul who failed to realise the confusion within.. Seeking a shortcut to open the doors of perception by making a "bet with the mind" . I gus it wont work tht way.

3:Wat am i doing.. yeah waiting for the sun. i know thr wil be light after an hour..i can capture the magic of sunrise again..click some snaps of it.. everything wil be beautiful again..1 hour more.. I wish if everything was certain like tht always..everything was straightforward... again the answer is, wat the hell?... I like my thots.. they are freakin funny sumtimes.. atleast for me.. and sometimes they absolutely wont make any sense at all.. then it gets funnier.. wat the hell... u may hav no idea of wat i am talkin abt.. so never mind..

4:Its full of surprises u knw.. most of the times u may not find the liferaft where u believe u left it.. and wen u turn around u may find a brant new one..but wat if u r too broke to make the payment!.. it is funny if u can find the fun in it..its so surprising that i am afraid sometime it wil fail to surprise me again.. i am scared of that.. because no surprises means end of hope.. it wil all get back to boring and sad!..

am i dreaming..i seriously doubt am falling asleep.. wow thw insomnia is gone

Musings about self

Foreword: This piece of text is not born as a blog. Its purpose was different. But i think it shud end up here..

I am not certain how to explain myself in a way for you to "get it rite"!!
I am interested in philosophy recently!. and they say 'I' am nothing but 2.5 pounds of organic tissue wch manifests the phenomenon called self consciousness when its being activated by electrical impulses, wch wil always try to sustain, preserve and propagate itself!. and it wil stop wen those impulses faces a power loss! It was a huge load of crap i admit.

'I' is a fluid concept[for me only,am not generalizing anything]. I change. I am not static.
So the answer mostly depends on when and where I am trying to giv u an idea of myself!
But I cant change this piece of text every moment to get it accurate in all the sense!
Wat I can do now is to say sumthing abstract abt me wch is true most of the times,
I desperately need to kill this boredom and to divert my mind from wandering into the thots i am most scared of..
Thts gives enuf motivation for me to write this

Some of u may think tht u r paranoid. But u r not paranoid enuf to believe tht u can get to know this person well..frm this bullshit i hav wrote down here!
How can u be certain tht i am not lying !.. For myself I am an optimist - it does not seem to be much use being anything else. Hopes everything happens for the greater good..

I know now this is the the middle of nowhrere but..
wow it helped.. i feel peace.. so the purpose is lost.. i am stopping here